Shortening the Gap

My heart has been so full watching Jackson begin Kindergarten. I am so proud to be his Dad. And at the same time I am wondering if I have taught him enough to be a good example. I love seeing him grow to be independent. But at the same time I mourn a little for him not needing me as much as he used to. Even in a few short days it has gone from "Dad, walk me into the school." to "Dad, can you just drop me off at the curb?"

I wasn't prepared for everything that becoming a father would bring, but there are two major things that stick out from that list that have surprised me. The first is the tension of loving to see my kids reach milestones and being sad that they have moved past a certain "stage" at the same time. Loving to see them grow and be their own person, but losing some of the innocence and childlikeness in the same stroke. Part of it has to do with wishing that time would slow down a bit, but in a bigger broader way it's more about knowing that each moment that God gives us they move farther from me. I am not meaning to be overly dramatic here. It's a simple fact that the older they get, the more they learn, the less they need for me to help sustain their life. It is a ongoing, ever-growing, and sometimes almost ruthless separation. It may be easier to see with Mothers, who at one time were actually physically bound to their child, then after they become an adult they no longer live in the same house, or town, or even the same state or country.

The second item on my list that has caught me off guard is a spiritual irony, one that has been staring me in the face for a while now. There are so many things I learn about God by being a dad, so many parallels, but this one is the inverse. It is this, I want my children to grow and become their own person. I want them to learn to think for themselves and to take care of themselves and be responsible. As we grow in our relationship with our kids, we seek to make them need us less, but as we grow in relationship to God, He seeks to be everything we need. Always. Nothing held back. Complete and utter dependance. It is something I still, at times, struggle to learn.

As I seek to make my son and daughters independent, it is my calling as a father to make them completely dependent at the same time. Independent from me, and dependent on God the father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Only through total surrender is this possible. I hope I get it right and I will work to make it so. Humbly, Dave